After two hours of 180mph serenity, our bullet train arrived in the cultural and historical heart of Japan, Kyoto. This town served as the capital of Japan for over 11 centuries until it was eventually moved to Tokyo under the Meiji Restoration, and because it was spared any widespread destruction during World War 2 much of the historical city still remains. It is also famously the birthplace of Geisha culture, as well as being a hub of Samurai feudal history.

Unfortunately, that stomach bug that had taken residence in poor little Hunter while in Hakone meant that he had not enjoyed the train ride as much as the rest of us had, and he was suddenly looking decidedly green. As is typical with kids, we were given all of about 10 seconds warning to attempt to locate the nearest bathroom. Obviously that is not an easy task in an already confusing country such as Japan, and even less so in a busy train station you have never visited before, and having already passed through the ticket barrier when the bathrooms were actually located back on the other side. Needless to say we didn’t make it in time. I mean we were pretty close, and Hunter tried his hardest to hold back the deluge with his hand (bless him), but you were soon able to trace our path to the toilet by the trail of grey vomit which had spewed forth from between his little fingers. As I have said before, the Japanese don’t like mess, and they certainly don’t like slippery grey trails of vomit on their otherwise sparkling clean station floors, and within 30 seconds there was a small army of mask and glove clad cleaners following us with various mops and chemicals while simultaneously evacuating the busy bathroom. Within a few minutes it was as if nothing had ever happened. Had that been King’s Cross Station, that vomit would probably have still been there at the end of the day!

Ah well, better out than in, right? And he felt better for it. Now we just needed to locate our hotel and clean up. Amazingly, our suitcases were waiting for us in our room as promised, neatly packed in individual plastic bags. After a freshen up we headed out to find some grub at Nishiki Market a few tube stops away. This amazing 400 year old covered market is the place to go to discover all sorts of traditional Japanese edible delights. We got busy enjoying sampling the various stuffed Octopuses and deep fried Sand Borers, but Hunter still wasn’t having a particularly great time so we decided to call it a day and head home instead, in the hope that the wee fella would have recovered for the next day.

Luckily, the plan worked – the following morning, Hunter was back fighting fit. And hungry. And even luckier still, unlike last time, on this occasion the rest of us had managed to avoid succumbing to the same fate. Today we were heading off for a day trip to the nearby city of Nara. Nara was the capital of Japan even before Kyoto, and is home to a collection of ancient temples and shrines which collectively form a UNESCO world heritage site. There is an awful lot to see in Nara, and if you want to do the whole city justice you really need to get there by 9am and have a clear plan of attack. That doesn’t really work with kids though, so we decided it would be better to take it easy while enjoying some of the more accessible landmarks. 

The high street that leads you from the train station to the park itself is worth a wander, rather than jumping straight on the sightseeing bus. There are loads of cute little shops and restaurants, and tons of traditional snacks to fuel you along the way. We couldn’t resist sharing a matcha shaved ice, and the freshly made, warm Mochi being served up by Nakatanidou were the best I’ve ever had and well worth the queue. Amazingly, Hunter recognised the guy in the shop from a YouTube video he had seen. “He’s the fastest mochi maker in the world! I’ve seen him on my iPad!” He exclaimed in great excitement. And wouldn’t you know it, he was right. After a quick Google, he was indeed the guy. Mitsuo Nakatani is a mochi master, capable of pounding that mochi dough over three times every second. Look him up online, it’s amazing!

We sauntered through the grounds of Kofukuji Temple, taking in the 600 year old five storey pagoda and the imposing Central Golden Hall which was rebuilt in 2018 and accommodates the ancient iconography of the Hosso school of Buddhism. These old wooden temples seemed to have a bad habit of burning down (I guess that’s the downside of building everything out of timber), and this one has been rebuilt countless times over the last millenium and a bit. We didn’t take any pictures inside the temple itself, or the hall of treasures, as it’s a big no-no to photograph the Buddhist imagery. This is to maintain an atmosphere of respect and reverence around the temple, as opposed to any ideas of idolatry – Buddhists don’t worship idols (they know a statue is just a statue!), they rather use the statues as a symbol of the absolute and a means to focus their divine worship.

Nara is famous for its large population of extremely tame sika deer. These animals were historically thought to be divine messengers of the gods, due to an old story about Takemikazuchi (one of the four gods of Kasuga Grand Shrine) appearing to the locals whilst riding a white deer. So, due to the probably mushroom-induced ramblings of some lonely farmer, these deer have totally lucked out and secured themselves divine status, meaning they are safe and protected within the city. Actually, they were stripped of their “divine” status after WW2, but they are still classed as a national monument, and live the absolute life of Riley lazing around in Nara Park being doted on and fed by thousands of tourists every day. They mostly act as if the hordes of tourists, desperate to feed them some of the perfectly packaged deer crackers available from vendors on every corner, aren’t even there. They sit where they want, walk where they please, and even cross the road as and when they choose (much to the annoyance of waiting traffic). If they’re peckish, they might ALLOW you to feed them a cracker or two, and you might even get a courtesy bow for your efforts as they have become accustomed to doing in return for sustenance. But they will flat out ignore you, and indeed walk straight through you if you are in their path, if they are not in need of a cracker. These are deers of leisure, and you are their servants. It was a shame to see some of the more ignorant tourists allowing their thuggish offspring to chase and slap the deer, as if these animals were their playthings. I watched one such uncivilised urchin chase several of these animals away from people who were trying to extract a bow from an interested deer, all while his equally delinquent father stared on in a blank-faced display of encouragement. Never before have I wished for a child to be served a reality check courtesy of a double-hoofed mule kick to the chest by a distressed deer – but I guess there’s a first time for everything!

We had just enough time for a wander around the incredibly beautiful Isuien Zen Gardens before heading back to town for some grub. These grounds have been preserved since the Meiji era in the nineteenth century, and form the only walking garden in Nara. Despite being in the middle of a busy city, the sense of peace you find while wandering the perfect mini-hills, bridges and streams is quite striking. It seems wild and untamed, but maintaining this level of manicured beauty is no mean feat, and it’s a real treat to experience a garden on this level.

We headed back to Higashimuki shopping street to grab a quick hit of conveyor belt sushi before trawling the local boutiques for a souvenir or two. High on the list of priorities (for Bam anyway) was a traditional Japanese kimono. And if ever there was a place to buy one, then this was it. After trying a few different options, Bam found herself a gorgeous satsuma coloured number, complete with matching underlayer perfect for the colder climes of our native land, and in a totally washable polyester (definitely a must for Bam!). Kate even managed to squeeze another one into the deal too, although hers was another vintage silk number – unlike Bam she (probably) won’t spill her lunch all over it. After a quick bowl of perfectly cooked Takoyaki octopus balls from a vendor outside the train station, we headed back to base for a quiet dinner and an early night.

On our final day in Kyoto, we wanted to check out the Higashiyama district, nestled beneath Kyoto’s eastern mountain slopes. This well preserved slice of ancient Japan is iconic as the narrow lanes and wooden buildings invoke a real feeling of what living in the old capital might have been like. Thousands of people flock to this area every day, many looking to dress up in traditional kimonos and mingle with the locals in the search for that perfectly instagrammable memory of this beautiful district. Luckily, Bam was now in possession of her very own eye catching number, but we needed to pay a visit to one of the hundreds of local outfitters to get Kate fitted out as well. Hunter and I passed, in favour of remaining in our regular civvies. I watched another stout fellow being kitted out just before us, and decided it probably wouldn’t be the most flattering look – I mean where does the sash live, under the belly or concealing it? I was content, instead, with taking the prerequisite glamour shots of the girls around the town – in the shade of the impressive Yasaka Pagoda and on the Ninenzaka steps. It really is a glorious place to explore and take photos, I can only imagine how stunning it looks and smells when the cherry blossom is in full bloom. That might warrant another trip one of these days.

We explored the quaint little shops, beautiful shrines and winding walkways for an hour or two. We had some Japanese refreshments in a traditional dessert house. We took countless pictures at various vantage points around the old town. But eventually, the incessantly annoying drizzle had increased to such an extent that we decided to call it a day and return the rentals before we were soaked to the skin. 

On our walk back to the train station we stumbled across the Yasui Konpiragu shrine, where the kids attempted to rid themselves of any bad luck by clambering through the centre of the huge stone, and then instead gaining a new batch of good luck by returning through the same hole and then affixing their pre-written wish to the stone along with the thousands of other wishes from previous luck-seekers. I would have joined them (I could do with a dose of that eastern good luck) but alas I didn’t fancy the rather graceless scramble through the stone, heaving my less-than-skinny frame on my creaky knees along the sodden stone floor, I’ll just leave that to the young-uns!

The morning had very much been focussed on dressing up for the girls, so in the afternoon we had a little activity to indulge Hunter as well – we were heading to the Kyoto Samurai and Ninja museum for a bit of hands on fun. After a presentation from our tour guide, detailing the history of samurai in feudal China, we were told how exactly the Ninja spies came to be, and shown the tricks and tools of their trade. the museum houses a huge personal collection of original samurai paraphernalia including many full suits of armour and a huge collection of swords. While the kids enjoyed the museum, what they had really been waiting for was the weapons demonstration that followed. We were led to a different building and invited to don the trademark black overalls of a ninja, and we all lined up for a chance to try out throwing some shurikens, and using a blowpipe. Now, this was in no way an authentic or historic experience, in fact it was quite clearly designed to ensnare willing tourists with the words “ninja” and “samurai”. That said, the kids loved it. Throwing plastic ninja stars while dressed in comedy black pyjamas seems to be a real crowd pleaser! It’s probably a good job they weren’t selling real weapons afterwards, as I have a feeling Hunter may have insisted on leaving with a few “souvenirs”!

Our next authentically Japanese experience was visiting the completely bizarre Mipig micro pig cafe just around the corner. I’ve heard of cat cafes, Bam always insists on visiting them whenever we come across one, but this is a new one on me. It’s the same concept as a cat cafe – you pay through the nose to sit and consume food and drinks in a fairly unsanitary environment full of gangs of emotionally unattached animals. But pigs have a different set of issues to cats. Cats are fairly unsocial, selfish animals who will use their human visitors for their own gain, be it a nice stroke or a snack, but it is always on their terms. Pigs have a more rudimentary emotional state. Pigs wanna eat, sleep and fight, all the basic stuff. And micro pigs are no different. The first thing you notice is the scars on the pigs ears and heads, not only that but several of them are actually bleeding. Quite a lot. They bicker constantly among themselves, biting each others ears in sudden fits of rage until separated by the pig nanny currently on duty. They are also permanently grinding their teeth and frothing at the mouth in a weird, rabid kinda way. But despite all this bizarre behaviour, I guess they are kinda cute (in a tasty bacon-sandwich looking sort of way), and the kids loved their crazy antics and the way they curled up on their blanket clad laps. And the place is constantly booked solid, so I guess they’re onto a winner!

We finished our day with a return trip to the culinary delights of Nishiki Market. Hunter’s dodgy tummy is a distant memory now, so he is fortunately able to fill his boots with the weird and the wonderful. He finally got a chance to try Urchin for the first time, although it wasn’t to his liking. Finally, one expensive luxury food item that he DOESN’T like for a change!

In the morning we caught a train to our final stop in Japan, Osaka. This town is famously the street food capital of Japan, and a foodie’s delight. We only had one afternoon and evening here, but luckily our hotel was right in the middle of the action in the Dotonbori area. A quick stroll brought us to the iconic Glico Running Man advert, which has been a symbol of Osaka since 1935. Exactly why this confectionary company’s advert has become such a tourist must-see is beyond me, but supposedly no visit to the area is complete without the prerequisite Glico selfie. 

The advertising signs of Osaka are just as incredible as the food itself, almost as if the visual feast on offer enhances the epicurean delights contained therein. The huge mechanical shopfronts include animatronic crabs, angry teppenyaki chefs, giant bulls and enormous octopuses. I always thought that the shopfronts lining Camden high street in London were impressive, but this place really is next level. 

Lunch was a visit to a small cook-your-own Korean offal joint on the backstreets. Now, I’m not a big fan of offal, in fact I pretty much hate offal, but luckily there was enough beef and sausage options to keep us all interested, and it’s always a winner getting to cook your own food at the table.

After an afternoon recharge in our nearby hotel room, we had one last chance to spend a few hours on the streets of Osaka, soaking up one last bit of Japanese culture and making some last minute snack purchases to stuff our suitcases with. You can’t leave Osaka without trying certain foods which originated here. We shared an Okonamiyaki and some noodles on a traditional teppenyaki table, and grabbed some delicious Takoyaki octopus balls by the canal. There were snacks aplenty all afternoon until eventually we could snack no more. We decided for one last treat we would reward our weary feet with a quick foot massage before heading home to pack our bags. Bam loves a bit of pampering, and in hindsight I’m not sure if it was the best idea exposing her to the heady delights of massages just yet – something tells me she might become accustomed to the practice here in Asia (where it’s cheap) and start expecting the same at home! We’ll end up with one son expecting Wagyu and lobster at dinner time, and one daughter demanding manicures and massages. Brace yourselves kids, and you’d better lower your expectations back in Dorset!

That was it – the following morning we woke bright and early and took our final ride on the bullet train to the airport. We packaged our Wi-Fi router into the shipping box with which it was delivered and stuffed it into the already bulging postbox in departures. We checked in and waved goodbye to the Land of the Rising Sun. It had been a hectic, non-stop whirlwind of a visit. There had been absolutely no time for any school, nor any blog writing (hence the tardiness of this one if you’re reading up to date), in fact there was barely time to sit down and have a cup of matcha tea, but it has been amazing. Next stop is gonna be another crazy one, Vietnam here we come…