Pretty ominous title right. Don’t worry though, this isn’t gonna be a 90s horror based blog about us finally meeting some form of horrendous and inescapable pre-determined doom. But it is, quite literally, our final destination. As surreal as it seems, we’ve only got a week left on our trans-global adventure, and that week has brought us to the Land Of Smiles – Thailand.
We were heading to the island of Koh Samui for the first five days, but when we booked these flights some months previously, it wasn’t possible to fly direct from Hong Kong to Samui. So we landed into Bangkok and spent the night in an airport hotel, before heading back to Suvarnabhumi airport the next day for the short hop to the island.
I remember thinking we had booked something pretty special in Samui, as a final luxury Hurrah to round off our trip, but I couldn’t quite remember the details. We were picked up at the tiny airport by our own private luxury transfer, and whisked off to the stunning Tongsai Bay resort in the north of the island. don’t get me wrong, this is by no means the best Thailand has to offer – Thailand is renowned for luxury, and you can spend an awful lot of money on celebrity status hotels if that’s your thing. But there’s really no need. The Tongsai Bay boasts 80 private 5 star villas, nestled in the lush hillside surrounding a private beach. The facilities are top notch, and perhaps more importantly (for my newly enhanced figure) the included breakfast was probably the best we’ve had all year.
What better way to finish the trip? Five days of soaking up the rays and enjoying the warm waters of the Gulf of Thailand. After the obligatory welcoming ceremony, featuring drinks, snacks and traditional Baci (tying string bracelets on new guests to preserve good luck), we were promptly whisked off to our very own private villa by one of the fleet of in-house golf buggies. This isn’t the sort of place one walks anywhere, darling. Oh no! Should one need to traverse the 300 metres of tarmac betwixt villa and pool, one simply calls for a buggy. You can see why it’s called the Land of Smiles, all the staff were so friendly and personable, not snooty and stand-offish like they sometimes can be in high end hotels. And a steady flow of tips on every journey back and forth seemed to be genuinely appreciated, despite apparently being wholly unexpected.
Now, at the risk of sounding terribly middle class, it had already been a good few days since Kate had partaken in a massage. So, the first port of call after unpacking was to grab a taxi into the local village for a bite to eat and a group foot rub in one of the many massage parlours. Relaxed and tired, we headed home for a good nights sleep. Bam managed to make use of the outside bathtub on our balcony overlooking the sea, and amazingly also managed to avoid being eaten to death by mosquitoes.
We didn’t get up to much the following day. I guess that’s kinda the point of a resort style holiday though, right? After our first mega Tongsai Bay breakfast, we undertook the short waddle to the beach where we pretty much spent the rest of the day alternating between beach and pool.
The included use of kayaks and paddle boards provided several hours of amusement and a bit of much needed exercise between bouts of lazy sun worshipping.
Eventually, we finally left the seclusion of the resort, and headed to the nearby Fisherman’s Village half an hour up the road, to check out the twice weekly night market and seek out some tasty Thai cuisine. This historical area of Bophut was once exactly what the name suggests. But nowadays the rustic streets are lined with upscale boutiques and restaurants, catering to the needy hoards of visitors seeking an “authentic” experience. The street market is lined with market stalls selling tourist junk and mementos, but make your way through this and you find the real attraction – the street food. This is where you can get your fix of Thai delicacies including mango sticky rice, banana pancakes, tasty curries, local seafood and bbq delights. You can even chow down on plates of dried insects if that’s your thing. And the best thing is that it’s all dirt cheap – you can eat well here for a few quid, as opposed to the alluring but expensive restaurants at the other end of the village.
The next day was another full on exercise in doing absolutely nothing. A blow out breakfast was once again followed by pool and beach. This time we managed to paddle a mile around the coast to the nearby village for an ice cream and a scavenge up and down the beach. It gave me a chance to work off a few of the enormous amount of irresistible breakfast calories I had been consuming every day.
Tuesday night meant a different night market, this time outside of Central Samui Mall in Chaweng. This had a slightly more commercial feel than the Fisherman’s Village market, but essentially offered the same food options at slightly higher prices. Not that it makes much difference – your mango sticky rice costs £2 here instead of £1.20 in Bophut, it’s hardly gonna ruin the evening! The added benefit of this location is that you can also have a wander around the mall after dinner. Bam and Hunter couldn’t resist trying out the fish foot massage. They spent 10 minutes giggling solidly as the shoals of fish eagerly nibbled the dead skin from the soles of their feet. Kate and I even managed to sneak in a quick foot massage before grabbing a taxi home.
Time for some culture! Rather than once again spending the entire day on the beach, we had booked a half day whistle stop tour to see some of the islands top sights. First stop, Wat Plai Laem, a modern Buddhist temple with several large statues of deities perched on the end of lakeside piers. This fusion of Thai and Chinese styles was designed primarily by prominent Thai artist Jarit Phumdonming, and is an important place of worship for the locals and visitors alike. It was raining on our visit, and some poor tourist was being scooped up by an ambulance having taken an unfortunate tumble down the perilously slippery porcelain tiles forming the steps of the main temple, ironically collapsing at the foot of the deity of compassion and mercy. Maybe she wasn’t a true believer? Teacher’s notes – Must pray harder.
Next stop was Wat Phra Yai, or the Big Buddha. Although nowhere near as big as the Buddha we had visited in Hong Kong the week before, it was still pretty impressive, and gave us a chance to light some incense and ring some bells like the good, pretend Buddhists we are.
As we headed south, the bus stopped at Lat Ko Viewpoint, for what we understood to be one of the best views of Chaweng and the Gulf of Thailand. I mean, it was worth stopping for the van selling home made coconut ice cream I guess, but honestly the viewpoint is slightly underwhelming. It’s a nice view of the sea for sure, but actually I think the view from our hotel room’s balcony bathtub is just as impressive. Just saying.
Anyway, next stop was the bizarre Grandmother and Grandfather rocks. These natural rock formations, Hin Ta and Hin Yai to give them their correct names, have inexplicably garnered a reputation for themselves as a must-see tourist attraction, due to their dubious resemblance to male and female genitalia. Ok, if you stand in the correct place you can see why, but I can’t help but get the feeling that you’re clutching at straws here, Samui. Anyway, we’ve seen it now, my life is complete.
The next stop was pretty interesting, we called in to pay our respects at the shrine of Luang Pho Daeng, the mummified monk. 40 years ago, this dude felt his death quickly approaching at the tender age of 79, and so began the bizarre process of self mummification. In a total rejection of the pleasures of the flesh, and consequent embrace of higher enlightenment, Luang Pho Daeng stopped eating and drinking in the week leading up to his death while meditating. The resulting corpse is so low in fat and moisture that it essentially preserves itself. In accordance with his wishes, he was encased and left on display at the temple, albeit with a snazzy pair of sunglasses tactfully added post mortem to hide his hideously decayed eye sockets.
Last stop of the day was a quick visit to the beautiful 18 metre high Na Muang waterfall, to try and grab a few insta-worthy shots amid the hundred or so other tourists trying to do the same. There was a pair of majestic elephants near the car park, and we took the chance to say hello and feed them a few bunches of bananas. On closer inspection though, these poor guys had been chained to a post in the normal tourist attraction fashion, presenting the usual moral dilemma. While we didn’t want to support their mistreatment of the animals, at the same time it’s hard to resist feeding and petting the handsome beasts.
Island tour over, we headed back to the beach for a lie down. Hunter and Bam even managed to squeeze in a few laps on the Banana boat around the bay. Dinner involved another trip to the Fisherman’s village for another sticky rice fix before a good nights sleep.
Our last full day in Samui, and we had saved the best for last. After the sad encounter with the chained elephants at Na Muang, we were on our way to visit some of the more fortunate Pachyderm residents of Samui. Samui Elephant Home is a unique ecotourism project, comprising several acres of open grassland and forest where a small population of rescued elephants have been purchased from their lives of servitude and allowed to finally roam free. The one caveat is that they must entertain us, their daily visitors.
It is a well organised, tasteful and respectful experience which is well worth the high price tag. After a welcome talk, the guests are invited to make their own elephant snack balls using the provided ingredients, before the stars themselves are paraded in for their feeding session. It’s an opportunity to get really up close and personal with these gentle giants as they happily extract the snacks from your fingers.
Next up is a 10 minute trek out into the bush to hang out with the elephants in their natural environment. There’s a chance to share a few minutes with each and every resident, including the cheeky and clumsy two year old, Lucky. These elephants are clearly very happy and well cared for, and this experience feels as authentic as it possibly can be in a controlled environment.
The highlight of the day was yet to come. After the elephants enjoyed a fun and refreshing mud bath in the sanctuary’s pool full of specially imported mineral rich mud, it was time for them to have a bath – AND WE WERE ALLOWED TO JOIN THEM. This was honestly one of the coolest animal experiences of our whole trip, and one that I’m sure we will all remember for our entire lives. After changing into our swimming cozzies, we all stood around the pool and waited for two elephants to be led into the water before we were all given scrubbing brushes and given the green light to get in the water with the elephants. And so started 10 minutes of hilarious scrubbing and water splashing antics. Watching the beaming smiles on the kids faces as they scrubbed a five ton Indian elephant was an incredible experience. I was blown away by how gentle and careful these beasts were as they towered over the kids below them, and they were obviously having as much fun as we were.
What a day, and we finished it off with a quick swim before heading back to the mall for some more street food and another fishy foot cleansing for the kids.
That was it for Samui. There was time for one last blowout breakfast before saying goodbye to Tongsai Bay and all the staff that had made our stay so enjoyable. We called our final golf buggy to collect us from our villa, and headed off to the airport for our penultimate flight to Bangkok for our last three nights in Thailand.
We checked into our hotel, and immediately made use of the rooftop swimming pool. It was nowhere near as impressive as the pool and beach we had just left, but it was thirty degrees and a swim and a cocktail were exactly what the doctor ordered.
That evening we headed to Central World Mall for a bite to eat and a movie. The whole planet was in the grip of Barbie fever, and against my better judgement we had all booked to check out the new Barbie movie. Bam was understandably extremely excited, being a massive Barbie fan herself, and we all managed to scrape together some sort of pink outfit in honour of the occasion. To my pleasant surprise, the movie was actually fairly enjoyable. But the real star of the evening wasn’t the film, it was the cinema itself. Bangkok is known for its “First Class” cinemas, and it does it very well. We had booked “The Bed” screen, which is exactly that – beds. After grabbing all the complimentary snacks and drinks you can carry from the waiting lounge, you make your way to your perfectly turned down double bed, with remote controlled adjustability and complimentary slippers, and hunkered down for two hours of pink-hued silliness. Why don’t we have cinemas like this in the UK? I would definitely pay the extra.
The next day was the real reason that we tacked on a few days in Bangkok at the end of our trip – the incredible Chatuchak market. This is the world’s largest and most diverse market, with over 15,000 stalls sprawling over a 35 acre site. It is quite a sight to behold, and you need to be fairly organised to find what you want. Apparently if you see something you like here you should just buy it, because the chances of going back and finding it again later on are slim at best. We spent several hours trawling the far reaching corners of the market, managing to find several bargains ranging from crocodile skin wallets to wicker baskets. We even managed to buy an extra suitcase to put everything in to take home. And the very best part is that it’s all a fraction of the price that you could find at home.
That night we headed to Terminal 21 Mall to meet up with some friends who happened to be visiting Bangkok. We had met Kate’s old work colleague Lai Yu a few times in Hong Kong over the past few weeks, but this time her husband Kirk had flown out with their two girls for a bit of a summer holiday. Luckily their eldest is of babysitting age, so after dinner we managed to all sneak out for a cheeky massage while she looked after the others in their hotel room.
So, one more day in Bangkok. Well, one more day in Thailand. ACTUALLY – one more day on our world tour, period. The depression was now seriously setting in, but no time to dwell on that, we had a few sights left to see.
We woke early to jump in the minibus we had booked, and headed across town to pick up Lai Yu and Co for today’s adventure. We were off to Samut Songkhram to visit another market. This wasn’t any old market though, this one was pretty different. It sells the same stuff as most markets in Thailand – there’s a good mix of fresh fruit, vegetables and fish, along with the inevitable tourist tat and souvenirs. But what makes this market different is that the Maeklong railway passes straight through the middle of it. The market is known locally as Talad Rom Hub, which roughly translates to “market of closing umbrellas”. It didn’t take long to work out how it earned this name as a train approached, and the vendors retracted their shopfront canopies and moved their goods off the tracks. They’re obviously well versed in timing it to perfection, and take it in their stride as the train approaches. To the heaving crowds of tourists who have gathered to witness the thrice daily spectacle however, it is a bizarrely impressive, if somewhat terrifying ordeal. That train is not stopping, and you’ve gotta get out of its way one way or another. This involves spotting an opportunity to dive into one of the shops or cafes along the route, and holding your breath as the train slips by within inches of your feet. The wave of umbrella shopfronts close seamlessly behind the last carriage as the train approaches the end-of-line station, and the goods spread out over the track once more. Thousands of visitors filter from their frontline hiding spots to fill the void, and within 30 seconds it’s as if nothing has happened.
It’s an awesome experience, and one that you can’t find in many places, I suppose simply because most countries wouldn’t permit that amount of inherent danger. Thailand, however, laughs in the face of health and safety, much to the benefit of experience seeking visitors.
While we were in the area, we took the opportunity to take a trip around Damnoen Saduak floating market. This is perhaps considered to be the most famous floating market in Thailand, so it seemed daft not to check it out. We were, however, prepared for what is well known to be a massive tourist trap. Having started life as a bona-fide locals market based around a set of narrow canals, the area was designated as a tourist attraction by the Thai tourism board all the way back in the 1970s. What results today is a well oiled tourism machine geared specifically to offer an expensive boat ride around a market widely considered to be totally devoid of any real cultural significance. Yes, it’s fun to hammer around the water on the cleverly constructed car-engined narrow boats, but the wares on offer from the market stalls on the banks are horrendously overpriced imported trinkets and souvenirs. There are also boats selling noodles, skewers and ice creams at inflated prices. Our driver soon realised we were not gonna buy anything, and quickly gave up stopping for browsing time.
At the end of the tour, you are deposited in a different area to where you started, despite the promise of delivering you to the starting point to meet your driver! This area allows them a further opportunity to fleece the crowds of tourists, with activities such as elephant riding and gun shooting. Sadly, this cheapens the experience even further with its unfortunate mix of animal cruelty and pressure selling. We moved through this area quickly and attempted to find our waiting driver for the return journey to Bangkok.
Our final evening in Bangkok allowed us one more opportunity to stuff any remaining crevices within our suitcases with snacks and souvenirs from DonDonDonki ( Kate will really miss these Japanese bazaars ), and partake in one final foot massage. We even managed one final visit to a Maid Cafe for an overpriced neon coloured drink. And that was that.
The next morning we sombrely ate our last hotel breakfast amid a distinct air of quiet realisation that we had finally reached the end. I’m not sure how it happened, but somehow we had spent a whole year living our best lives, and we were now on our way to the airport to catch our final flight home. In the blink of an eye, we were back in Blighty.
Final thoughts? One last blog post I reckon…